When A Friend is Hurting

^{(Originally Published, June 2019)}

You don’t need perfect words to comfort a hurting friend. Just love, prayer, and truth. Here’s how to respond when they ask, “What did I do to deserve this?” Scriptures to hold onto. Resources at the end, plus “What About Karma?” from the “So Glad You Asked” series.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Shauna asked me from over her cup of coffee, tears brimming, making her already sad eyes look so tired. “I mean, I just don’t see how things could be going this badly in my life unless I had done something wrong – really missed the mark – and God is teaching me a lesson – even punishing me.”

She hung her head with her hands muffling her sob and I reached to hold her. Then we talked. The conversation happens in my life and in my office over and over. Pain, loss, extreme hardship, broken relationships…and I am looking into the eyes of someone who just wants to know why and often, “What did I do to deserve this?”

Honestly, this question is one where I could put any woman’s name – Mary’s name, Cindy’s, Karla’s, and at one point in my life – my own. I hear it all the time when I meet with women sharing their hurt and asking the hard questions.

It’s no wonder we think along these lines. From our earliest lessons in life, we see that things come together with consistent cause and effect whether good or bad or even neutral:

We cry for mom…mom comes to pick us up.
We reach out to a hot stove…ouch!
In school, 1+1=2 whether we’re playing with blocks, racing through a math worksheet, or trading snacks at recess.

So much of our life experience is taught and learned through this basic law of the universe – cause and effect. This isn’t just a physical law. We see it in spiritual matters too.

In God’s reliable Word we read, “You reap what you sow.” And, while opposed to the Bible, the pagan teachings of Hinduism and Buddhism have a cause and effect teaching in the idea of Karma. It’s natural and honest to at least look at the possibility that the choices we’ve made have impacted what we’re now experiencing.

Many like to comfort a friend in a difficult time with the empty platitude that, “Everything happens for a reason.” While that may be true, it could also be the reason is you were foolish and made a bad decision.

What about Maria? You know, “How do we solve the problem of Maria…?” from the Sound of Music. While I adore, adore, adore this musical and the entire beautiful true story it’s based on, the problem of Maria really is revealed in her sweet and theologically off-target song, “I Must Have Done Something Good.”

You remember that song, right? She’s falling for the Captain and he appears to be falling for her and she simply can’t imagine why she should deserve this, but “somewhere in her wicked, miserable youth…I must have done something good.” because “Nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could.”

Cause…something good. Effect…Captain loves me.

Lovely but oh, so wrong. And this kind of thinking, however sweet, actually infects our theology – even as Christians.

If we got something good because we did something good, then it must follow that since we’re experiencing such awfulness, we must have done something bad.

Sad. But, not true at all. Consider this and let it help you help that friend…and help you in your own thinking also: Our wonderings and attempts to find a cause for the painful trial or situation we’re in are certainly not new.

We’re in good company:

Job’s friends tried to find a reason for the horrendous calamity that had befallen him, and this event took place nearly 5000 years ago!  But was it, as they had assumed, because of some secret sin of Job’s? Nope!

It was for God’s glory.

Wait. What? Continue on…

Before Jesus healed a blind man his disciples asked why he was blind in the first place. They figured it was either his own sin or his parent who had sinned for this man to deserve the punishment of blindness. But no. Not at all.

Jesus teaches that no one had sinned. His situation wasn’t an effect of sin, but a cause of glory! Jesus said, “but this happened [the blindness] so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” And then he healed him.

When, as Luke records in chapter 13 of his gospel, citizens in Galilee were murdered and their blood mingled with temple sacrifices, the disciples again tried to wrap their reasoning minds around this tragic and evil event…why? “Were these Galileans more wicked than others?” No.

Again, Jesus tells them that this had nothing to do with their sinfulness. And he simply used the incident to chide and warn them to repent…again for God’s glory.

What about when Paul was bitten by a viper? Remember that? The astonished sailors around him gasped and figured he was a goner and that he’d gotten what he deserved since he was likely a no good, dirty rotten, murderer! Nope. Again! It was to point to God’s power and give Him glory! 

Cause doesn’t seem to correlate to effect, does it?

So, back to my friend, Shauna and her honest question from a hurting heart and perhaps back to you if you find yourself asking,

“Why? Why is this all happening?”…Three things:

1. No Versitudeisms: In the pain of that moment I would never offer a versitudeism (a Bible verse that is quoted out of context causing it to become a platitude of impotent optimism) like “all things work together for good…yada, yada, yada.” No one wants to hear that. Don’t do it. Don’t say it. Is it true? Yes. Does that necessarily help right at this moment? Maybe, but probably not. So, grow deeper in your understanding of the Word and in the truth of who God is. You can offer better. Read the Bible and consider how you can “spur one another on toward love and good deed”, and how you can “bear one another’s burdens”. (Heb. 10:24)
2. Remember God’s Track Record: Then, keeping in mind that Shauna isn’t living in sin but is humbly walking with the Lord and reaching out to make sense of some hard things going on in her life, simply offer a reminder of God’s faithfulness. There’s passage after passage in the Word to offer, but Hebrews 11 (the “Hall of Faith”) is one of my favorite reminders that God has been faithful through the lives of those who submitted to Him…and also Lamentations chapter three. It’s a tough one to read, but resonates with us when we’re in so much affliction like the author of this book. Buried amidst the recounting of abuse, shame, sickness and carnage, comes a flood of hope because of the realization of God’s faithfulness and love and mercies that are new every morning.
3. Prayer and crying: I’ve been lost before, hopeless before, in so much pain and sadness before and sometimes – oftentimes – the best encouragement I’ve received was simply the arms of a true friend hugging and praying and crying over me. The hurt is real. The sadness is true. But God has given us quite literally a superpower…prayer. Use prayer with empathy in times like this. Weep with those who weep. And let the tears flow. It’s healing and mystically strengthening.
4. Okay, four things…No Fixing: Don’t try to fix things or explain things. Whether you’re the one in pain or the one listening to a friend in pain…don’t. Instead, simply Love. Pray. Encourage with Scripture. Let God do the fixing. Let His Spirit do the explaining…if He so chooses. Otherwise, you come alongside and Love. Pray. Encourage.  The truth is there’s no lack of pain and hardship in this world. Jesus reminded us, “In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.”…and “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

Are you in need of a reminder of this peace? Let’s talk. You can email me. You can also leave a comment.

I’m curious about how you reconcile the life you’re trying to live with the mysteries of why bad things happen and why we go through such hardships.

Also, one more thing: Are you curious about Karma? I’d be happy to chat with you about how this false teaching has infected our Christian faith and how you can battle against it with the Truth of God’s Word.

Referenced & Quoted Scriptures

• Romans 12:15 – “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
• Galatians 6:2 – “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
• Galatians 6:7 – “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.”
• Hebrews 10:24 – “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”
• John 16:33 – “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
• John 14:27 – “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you…”
• Job 1–2 – Job’s testing and the response of his friends.
• John 9:1–3 – The man born blind: “Neither this man nor his parents sinned…”
• Luke 13:1–5 – Jesus addresses tragedy and the call to repent.
• Acts 28:1–6 – Paul bitten by the viper on Malta.
• Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good…”
• Lamentations 3:19–26 – “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed… great is your faithfulness.”
• Hebrews 11 – The Hall of Faith; examples of those who trusted God through suffering.

Helpful Scripture References for Each of the 4 Points

1. No Versitudeisms – Scriptures to help people offer truth wisely and contextually – not with clichés: (View all on BibleGateway.com)

• Proverbs 25:11 – “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
• 2 Timothy 2:15 – Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.
• Romans 12:15 – Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
• Ecclesiastes 3:7 – a time to keep silence, and a time to speak

2. Remember God’s Track Record – When a friend needs encouragement to remember God’s faithfulness: (View all on BibleGateway.com)

• Deuteronomy 7:9 – Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations,
• Psalm 77:11–12 – I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
      yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
  I will ponder all your work,
      and meditate on your mighty deeds.
• 2 Corinthians 1:8–10 – For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.
• Isaiah 46:9–10 –  remember the former things of old;
  for I am God, and there is no other;
      I am God, and there is none like me,
  declaring the end from the beginning
      and from ancient times things not yet done,
  saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,
      and I will accomplish all my purpose,’
• Psalm 103:1–5 – Bless the Lord, O my soul,
      and all that is within me,
      bless his holy name!
  Bless the Lord, O my soul,
      and forget not all his benefits,
  who forgives all your iniquity,
      who heals all your diseases,
  who redeems your life from the pit,
      who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
  who satisfies you with good
      so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

3. Prayer and Crying – For when prayer and presence are all we can offer: (View all on BibleGateway.com)

• Romans 8:26 – Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
• Psalm 34:18 – The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
      and saves the crushed in spirit.
• 1 Thessalonians 5:17 – Pray without ceasing.
• James 5:13–16 – Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
• John 11:35 – Jesus wept.

4. No Fixing – For the times we must resist explaining and instead offer presence: (View all on BibleGateway.com)

• Proverbs 3:5–6 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
      and do not lean on your own understanding.
  In all your ways acknowledge him,
      and he will make straight your paths.
• Isaiah 55:8–9 – For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
      neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
  For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
      so are my ways higher than your ways
      and my thoughts than your thoughts.
• Micah 6:8 – He has told you, O man, what is good;
      and what does the Lord require of you
  but to do justice, and to love kindness,
      and to walk humbly with your God?
• Philippians 4:6–7 – “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
• Hebrews 2:8-9 – “…At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to Him. But we see Him…”

Curious about Karma?

The idea of karma – that what goes around comes around – is everywhere. Isn’t it the same as “reaping what you sow?” If not, how does it differ from biblical principles of grace, mercy, or even sowing and reaping. In fact, believing in karma can distort the truth of how God works in our lives.

➡️ Read more in So Glad You Asked: What About Karma?